“My website isn’t an art project”
Don’t waste time on the pretty animation that does nothing. I don’t care if it makes your internal artist reach a higher plane of existence. No one – especially a site visitor – cares that you can do animations without Adobe Flash.
“Don’t put me on a terrible hosting platform”
Most designers are resellers of hosting and most are putting you on big name, unmanaged, old technology hosting providers. Why? Because they are designers, not technologists, and know nothing about the software development lifecycle or ongoing maintenance of the solution. This will impact everything else.
“At Least pretend you know something about security”
Maybe do a little research on firewalls, updated application stacks, maintenance and so on.
*Also see “don’t put me on a terrible hosting platform”.
“Speed matters, even on mobile”
I appreciate that you wanted to convert that illustrator file for the web, or take the 10 minute video I shared with you and drop it in the hero section of my website, but maybe consider optimizing some of these with minimal loss of quality and make us all happier.
“Check for broken links”
This should go without saying. What are you, a n00b?